About four weeks
ago a came across this article written by a man of faith who argues that two
people should never stop dating even when they are married. He of course meant dating each other, not
other people, in that the couple should continue going on dates, dressing up,
trying to impress each other, and keep the romance alive. He says “…in any relationship, communication
and the action of constant pursuit is key.”
While I agree with him 100% I do wish he spent more time in the article explaining
the intrinsic difference between dating/ courtship and marriage. That is what I will do in this short article.
First I want to
make it clear that when I use the term courtship I am speaking of a man and
woman who are not married but are exclusively seeing each other in a romantic
relationship. I am using this (some may
think older) term to save us all from confusion from using the term “dating.” Because a married couple can, and should, go
out on dates as the author from the above mentioned article states.
So, what is the
difference between courtship and marriage?
There are two main differences: a secular and a religious (Catholic)
difference – of course the Catholic also includes the secular. The secular difference is the vow’s the
couple makes to each other when they are married. The man and woman both promise to love and
honor each other in sickness, health, good, bad, rain, shine, etc. for as long
as they both shall live. Catholic
couples also vow to accept children lovingly from God and to raise them in the
true Church of Christ (the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church). These vows are a big deal because you are
promising your whole self to another human being until one of you die. That’s a big commitment! In courtship you should be faithful and respectful
to your significant other (boyfriend or girlfriend) but you are free to end the
relationship at any time. In marriage
you promise to stick with your spouse no matter how hard the storm may be.
The
second difference, which is the Catholic one, is that in marriage you and your
spouse form a communion of persons. Reciprocity
is inherent to human existence. Man and
woman were created to be self-giving and the most beautiful, and vulnerable,
way to give of yourself to another person is through the conjugal act
(sex). The Second Vatican Council says
it beautifully this way: “The body has a ‘spousal’ meaning because the human
person is a creature that God willed for his own sake and that, at the same
time, cannot fully find himself except through the gift of self.” (Gaudium et
Spes, 24:3) It is in the Sacrament of
Marriage that we are able to be that self-gift to the person we love more than
anything else in the world. It is a
self-gift that we don’t give to anyone but to the person we love the most which
is why this self-gift is reserved for the sacrament of marriage.
Courtship is
meant to prepare a couple for
marriage by helping you see if you can still love that person no matter their flaws. Courtship does not take the place of marriage! Courtship is a time that should be used to grow in friendship (because you should already be friends), grow closer, and become romantic with each other. The best way to enter into a courtship, and marriage, is with a friend. Friends make the best significant others and also the best spouses. John Gottman (founder of the Gottman Institute) agrees with data to support it. Couples who are friends first have healthier and happier marriages.
Courtship and
Marriage are two totally different relationships. Courtship is a time to find your future
spouse and prepare for a lifetime commitment and marriage is when you make that
commitment (by making a full and beautiful self-gift) and live it out the rest
of your life. While you’re married you
should still work at romancing and pursuing your spouse, but marriage and
courtship are not the same thing. As
long as you are friends first, respect each other, and understand the
importance of the self-gift we make in marriage, you will spend many beautiful
years with your loved one.
St. Valentine,
Pray for Us!
